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DAB at Your Haters

“DAB at your haters!!”

These wise words were shared with me recently by my daughter. My 7 year-old just gets it.

 

So maybe I was channeling her vibe when I “dabbed at my haters” on Facebook earlier this week. Who knows?  What I do know is that it feels hella good to take one’s power back.

I’m fine, y’all. (Relatively speaking.) It wasn’t a cry for help and I wasn’t particularly upset when I wrote that thing that I wrote. Sometimes a girl just really needs to tell people to FUCK OFF and mean it.

I don’t feel bad about the person that I am or what I do. I’m fucking amazing. There. I said it. And I know that my solid sense of self is a big reason why I have something that so many others lack —-> Empathy.

I can’t fix that for people, but I can decide what I want taking up space in my life.

End of story. It wasn’t even a very interesting one.

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That Time I Thought About My Mortality – A Throwback

When I logged back into my WordPress account after my hiatus ended, I found this long-forgotten blog entry that I never published almost 2 years ago. Though, I posted something on Facebook about the incident at the time, this moment in my life would eventually just become buried somewhere in my brain and my Facebook memories to not be thought of very often again.

“At the forefront of my recent thoughts has been the issue of mortality. And not in that vague acknowledgment we all have that, of course, one day we will die, but it isn’t really something I need to worry about facing today. More of the… in your face… there could be something potentially really wrong with you… so maybe you should start fucking processing that.

At the end of August I found a good sized lump in my right breast, which I promptly tried to denial out of existence. After a little over a month I gave up on that strategy, especially since it was pretty ineffective, and went in for a breast exam. This then lead to an ultrasound and mammogram, and today my very last appointment with a breast specialist. And I’m FINE! Everything is fine. Although, I won’t lie and say there isn’t an ultra paranoid part of myself that worries… What if they are fucking wrong???!! But I’ll keep burying that paranoid little beast.

I cried today from relief. I cried last week from relief when the radiologist told me everything looked clear. But the weeks before that I cried from fear. The kind of gut deep fear that leaves you thinking… I’m just not ready. And if I were to die soon… would I be happy with the way I’ve lived my life? With the relationships I’ve formed? With how I treat my children? What would I change?

And I just don’t know. But I think that it’s time to start exploring them.

FYI: Things that aren’t comforting to someone as they wait to have their breast screened for cancer… a HUGE wall memorial to a woman that died at the age of 32 from breast cancer, including a picture of her with her 3 year old daughter. Just. No.”

I didn’t actually spend any time re-evaluating my life. Go figure.

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A Story Where I Fly

I had a dream that I was at an event for my work, which seems trivial enough, only in this dream we are running behind on our set-up. BIG no-no. I’m walking around the event space trying find our hostess. She has answers to my questions. I NEED HER.  But then I realize that all the women in this room look too similar to each other, and I can’t remember what she looks like. I can’t remember her name.

I step outside to find my mom (and business partner). Hopefully she REMEMBERS her name, but I can’t find her. I look around and realize that I’m in a huge serious of buildings that look like stores, maybe a mall, and there are people EVERYWHERE. Where is she??!! I can’t find her. We need to hurry. We are running out of time.

I turn around and I can’t see the way back. My heart rate is spazzing. I start hectically rushing in the direction that I THINK will get me back to my event, pushing through the crowds and then down an empty, dark hallway with a series of heavy doors. I rush out the final doors and listen to it close with a click behind me. I’m outside.

This isn’t where I’m supposed to be!! I need to get back in!! I’m sure the door will be locked and I will have to find a new way to get back inside, but I’m a lucky girl. The door opens up for me, and I back track through the doors and head in a new direction. Too much time has passed. OMG. I have no idea where I am. We don’t have enough time for set up before the event starts. I still don’t know her fucking name.

I run outside into brightness, and when my eyes adjust, I realize I’ve somehow found my way into a stadium – at the very top. My view is fabulous, and I can see the buildings where I need to be. I start rushing down the stadium stairs. I gain momentum – I’m flying. As I get to the bottom I can’t possibly stop, so of course I become air-bound. I’m flying (slow-motion style) through the air towards… a pool. Told you I’m a lucky girl.

As I’m flying through the air I have the forethought to remember that my phone is in my back pocket. I grab it and then fully extend my arm out as high into the air as I can get it before I land. My fucking phone shall not get wet! And it doesn’t! The pool is shallow enough that I manage to keep it above the water.

The crowd goes crazy cheering for me. I mean… of course they were really excited I didn’t destroy my phone. But in my triumph I drop my arm, and my fucking phone goes under.

*End Dream Sequence*

My panicked breathing woke me up. Apparently, that was all my brain could take.

I’m pretty sure this dream explains so much about me.

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THIS or the OTHER

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I’m hardly surprised to find myself in bad brain space this morning. You know when this all first started (too many years ago) it wasn’t at all the same as it is now. This heaviness didn’t play a factor in my struggles. It took me a while to even realize what THIS is, even though I’d been with the OTHER for so long. They sometimes feel like polar opposites of each other, even despite how intricately they are linked.

I have trouble deciding which one I hate more. Which is worse… To feel ALL the things?? To think ALL the thoughts? To the point that my body vibrates from the energy of it all and I just want to crawl out of my skin? I lash out. I cry more. Or is it this void?? The deep, deep heaviness that sometimes feels like nothingness most days, and profound sadness on better days. I can’t think. I can’t focus. My brain thinks but doesn’t – all at the same time. How is that even possible? I can’t connect with myself or anyone else in my life.

I hate it all.

Yesterday started out so well for me. Someone asked me how I was doing and I answered “good” and it didn’t feel like a lie this time. I had conversations and it felt like ME, not the fake version of myself I use in public situations to get me through. I really miss ME. I was kinda hoping for a longer window of reprieve. I guess not.

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My Blog – Version 3.0??

I’m BAACCCKKK!!! Probably. I mean… I don’t want to really commit myself because then I’d start to feel pressured about this whole thing and that never leads to any kind of good place for me. So tentatively, I’m going to give this whole blogging thing another try for the third time.

This blog has seen many transitions and versions of Crystal. There was the “Perfect Mom Crystal” from back in my Blogger days before we shifted over to WordPress. She was the ultimate mom and homeschooler. Welp. At pretending anyways. Actually… not much has really changed. There was the “Nervous Breakdown Crystal” when shit was hitting the fan. She’s still here hanging out strong these days. There was “Going Back to School Crystal.” She totally quit. “Politically Aware Crystal.” She’s currently living a hole because the world freaks her the fuck out right now. Then the “I’m feeling flaky, so bye blog Crystal.”

Crystal is a fickle fickle girl. Still totes true.

The reboot of this blog shall start with ” Sarcastic, Bitter and Struggling Crystal.” Let’s see how long she sticks around.

Side Note: I’m not really feeling the name Explore. Dream. Discover. anymore. Nope, nope, nope. That sounds entirely too hopeful. Who was that person that gave this blog such a ludicrous name??!! Ugh. Many changes are coming cause this baby needs a complete design overhaul and with it a new name. But what will it be…. I’ll get back to you.

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Confession: I’m Not Cut Out for Motherhood

Now it’s time to jump back to my more serious confession that I mentioned previously. I actually wrote this days ago when negativity from lack of sleep was driving me, so I decided to hold off on publishing it until I could have a better perspective. And today I do. But my post isn’t any less true, so here it is.

Confession: I’m not cut out for motherhood.

Being a parent is SO hard. Or maybe I just make it hard. These days I find it almost laughable that being a mother is the one and only thing I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do, and that there was a time where I thought I would be amazing at it.

My ideals rarely line up with my reality though. I feel like I am in a constant war with myself between being the mother that I want to be and the mother that I actually am. I had terribly unrealistic expectations of what being a mother would be like, but I also didn’t at all realize how being a mother would change me, and it hasn’t all been in positive ways. I try to look for the balance, but sometimes it just feels like the negatives are outweighing here.

I love my children. I really do. More than I will love anything or anyone else. But I don’t always like them, and that is a fact with which I find it really hard to cope.

I wish that I were a patient and loving parent. Instead I feel more like a crazy, screaming banshee. Patient and loving are the furthest things from what I feel half the time.

I’m tired of the battles.

I’m tired of seeing myself reflected back to me in my children. It only highlights my inadequacy at the job I am doing.

I do remember a point where I did think I was a great mother, but it was a long time ago, and before I had two children. Having two children broke me, and I’ve been struggling in varying degrees ever since. It is why I am adamant about the fact that do not want, and will not have any more children. I don’t want to see what a third child would do to me as a person.

I hear that as they get older it will get easier. I can only hope, but that only makes me wish away these younger years… Fast forward to a time where we can enjoy each other more. And that is just so damn sad.

[box] I love and hate writing posts like this. Love them because it relieves some of the pressure I feel inside me, and hate them because they always peel away at the carefully constructed mask I like to try and wear.[/box]

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Confession: I’ve turned into a fangirl

I had a much more serious confession that I wanted to blog about earlier today, but now I’ve changed my mind. No worries. I’ll come back to the more serious one. Cause that shit surely isn’t going away. I’m just currently more in the mood for this one.

So… My confession is that I’ve become a bit of a fangirl. Okay. Maybe not totally fangirl. I won’t be tackling anyone or asking them to sign my boobage or anything, but this has got to be the closest I’ve come to abnormal fangirly type behavior EVER, cause I’m really just not the type.

Let me back track. This is how it started….

About a month ago I was messing around on Facebook, avoiding doing the things I actually NEEDED to be doing. The normal. I’m scrolling through my wall and I notice a video someone shared called, Evolution of Beyonce by the a capella  group Pentatonix. I don’t overly love Beyonce, but this wasn’t the first video I had seen by them. I had caught their Evolution of Music video before when someone shared it and it was really good. Evolution of Beyonce is exactly what started this whole mess. I loved it. I was just crazy impressed with their talent and what each one of them brought to the table. Then, I ended up spending an hour watching a bunch of their videos on their YouTube channel, and I’ve just been in a downward spiral ever since. 😛

I’ve been spending less of my free time reading smut, and instead I have been obsessively watching tons of videos on YouTube featuring Pentatonix. All their performances from when they were on the show Sing Off. Live performances from their tour.  And most recently I started watching the SuperFruit vlog that Mitch Grassi & Scott Hoying keep, which I find hilarious and cute. I may have developed a little crush on Mitch Grassi…

I’ve only mentioned it to Michael about 20 times in the past few days that all I want for Christmas is tickets to go see them when they come to Athens in March. You know… that way he won’t forget. And keep in mind, I don’t do concerts. I haven’t been to one in a little over 10 years, but I HAVE to be at this one.

So now it is out. If I start going crazy sharing videos you will just have to forgive me. I can’t seem to contain my love for them. :

WATCH IT! 😉

 

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Bye Bye Milky Boobs

Well, it is official. After almost 7 years of breastfeeding without any downtime, my boobie-ing days are over. We are 3 days into the weaning process, and Addison is handling it very well. It was just time. And even though I have BEEN ready for this, it is definitely a little bittersweet to have this significant era of my life  over, knowing that there will be no more babies in my future.

Haden

Sweet toddler Haden. He was definitely my boobie babe. He nursed quite frequently up until the very end when I weaned him a few months shy of being 4.

Tandem Nursing

My one and only tandem nursing photo. Forgive how rough I look. 😉 I had just given birth about 12 hours earlier. This was our first tandem nursing session. I only lasted about 3 months before I decided to wean Haden.

 

Addison

A recent picture of Miss Cheeky Baby nursing. <3

 

I guess it is time to move on to a new phase in my mama life. Bye bye milky boobies!