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THIS or the OTHER

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I’m hardly surprised to find myself in bad brain space this morning. You know when this all first started (too many years ago) it wasn’t at all the same as it is now. This heaviness didn’t play a factor in my struggles. It took me a while to even realize what THIS is, even though I’d been with the OTHER for so long. They sometimes feel like polar opposites of each other, even despite how intricately they are linked.

I have trouble deciding which one I hate more. Which is worse… To feel ALL the things?? To think ALL the thoughts? To the point that my body vibrates from the energy of it all and I just want to crawl out of my skin? I lash out. I cry more. Or is it this void?? The deep, deep heaviness that sometimes feels like nothingness most days, and profound sadness on better days. I can’t think. I can’t focus. My brain thinks but doesn’t – all at the same time. How is that even possible? I can’t connect with myself or anyone else in my life.

I hate it all.

Yesterday started out so well for me. Someone asked me how I was doing and I answered “good” and it didn’t feel like a lie this time. I had conversations and it felt like ME, not the fake version of myself I use in public situations to get me through. I really miss ME. I was kinda hoping for a longer window of reprieve. I guess not.

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Get Real: “Perfection” Part 2

Wow. The amount of support I have had in regards to my Get Real post has been amazing and very touching. You guys have no idea how much it means to me.

When I wrote that blog last night it felt incredibly freeing. The emotional release was so strong that I cried the entire time. And even though I had felt so sure in my motives going in, I hesitated to actually publish it and put it out there when I was done. After I did, I started shaking. From nerves, I guess? Or fear? I wanted to be brave but in the end it was really hard.

I have spent so much of my time wearing my mask of normal. The more I confronted my imperfections, the more I realized that I have been setting up others with the same insecurities that I feel. I think I have overcompensated for my weaknesses by taking on more and more so that I could prove that I can handle it all. Pretending to be supermom, who can handle anything.

It actually wasn’t until late August that I acknowledged that the OCD/anxiety thing as a problem. I have literally joked it off and pretended it wasn’t a big deal for almost 5 years. I however reached a tipping point in having repeated manic moments in late August that made it hard to ignore. Since then I have been making a lot of changes to my life. I have been trying to take a step back from things and make everything easier on me in an attempt not to let myself get too overwhelmed. Most days it is still hard even while having less responsibilities.

I feel like just acknowledging the problem has gone a long way towards working through it. Talking about it with Michael has really helped me. It is helping our marriage and he tries to step in when he sees that I am back tracking. I am forcing myself to “do” less. Waiting longer than I want to clean things up, whatever it might be. Inside it it still hurts to do it but I feel like every day that I push my limits it get easier.

People have been sending me great advice and words of encouragement and I completely plan to use them to move forward. I just wanted everyone to know that I am thankful and that although I acknowledge my weaknesses that I don’t plan to let them rule my life and that I do also acknowledge my strengths too.

We definitely all have the good and the bad. 🙂

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Get Real:”Perfection”

This morning I read this awesome blog called The Disease called “Perfection”. I cried like a baby while I read it. It was bluntly truthful and really resonated with me on something that has been bothering me a lot lately. The sense of guilt that I constantly feel at not being “good enough”. Looking at everyone around me and thinking that they seem to have it so much more together. Better mothering skills. Better behaved children. Happier marriages. The list could go on. 

It is long but really worth the read. I just wanted to highlight a few things he said in the blog here so the context of this blog makes a bit more sense for those that haven’t read it. You should REALLY read the whole thing. 
“What is the disease called ”Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured….”
“Here’s your wake-up call: You aren’t the only one who feels worthless sometimes. You aren’t the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today. You aren’t the only one who isn’t making enough money to support your lifestyle. You aren’t the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people. You aren’t the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.” 
“Perfection” is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected. The good news is, there is a cure. Be real. Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people’s lives.”
Then he asks, Will you help me spread “Real”? 


So here I  am. Spreading the real.

I joke a lot about my OCD type tendencies. Most people don’t know that I have had anxiety/OCD issues that started right after Haden was born and they have progressively gotten worse over time. I obsess over 2 things. I can’t stand to see messes, everything has its place. And I don’t like to see any kind of dirt, food crumbs or dog hair on my floors. This sounds like such a simple thing typing it out. The part that makes it sucky? I literally feel anxiety and stress when I see the kids pulling out toys and I rush to clean them up as soon as they are done with them. I don’t feel better until everything is back in its place. I do the same with cleaning the floors. I sweep and vacuum throughout the day. If the dog loses a clump of dog hair, I HAVE to pick it up. There have been days where the stress of looking at my house has made me cry in frustration. And when I say cry. I mean a full on sobbing mess. I have taken it out on my husband and on my kids in raging fits because I feel like they are fighting against me instead of helping me because don’t they understand that I need help??!!

I am a control freak. I think this is linked back to the other stuff above as well. But I want everything to be done my way and on my schedule and when it doesn’t happen that way, I get angry. When I do get angry, I am not a nice person. I generally say or do things that I regret. The way that I express extreme emotion is not good and now my children are learning that from me. I feel on many days that I am damaging them.

My marriage is not perfect. And not just from my craziness. Michael has his own issues. In the 8 years we have been together we have had our up times and we have had some REALLY shitty ones too. We don’t do that responsible “save your arguments for when the kids aren’t around” thing. Our fights tend to be loud and uncensored at times. I guess that is the “white trash” in me coming out.

If I take off my clothes, my body is not overtly attractive. My butt and the inside of my thighs are covered in cellulite and stretch marks. My ass is quite jiggly. Nothing is firm anymore. My boobs are droopy and weird looking to me, especially now that I am not making as much milk. I don’t like the way they feel when I touch them.

So there is some REAL. I hope anyone else who decides to read this will spread “The Disease of Real” around. 🙂
Follow up post: Get Real 2