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My Blog – Version 3.0??

I’m BAACCCKKK!!! Probably. I mean… I don’t want to really commit myself because then I’d start to feel pressured about this whole thing and that never leads to any kind of good place for me. So tentatively, I’m going to give this whole blogging thing another try for the third time.

This blog has seen many transitions and versions of Crystal. There was the “Perfect Mom Crystal” from back in my Blogger days before we shifted over to WordPress. She was the ultimate mom and homeschooler. Welp. At pretending anyways. Actually… not much has really changed. There was the “Nervous Breakdown Crystal” when shit was hitting the fan. She’s still here hanging out strong these days. There was “Going Back to School Crystal.” She totally quit. “Politically Aware Crystal.” She’s currently living a hole because the world freaks her the fuck out right now. Then the “I’m feeling flaky, so bye blog Crystal.”

Crystal is a fickle fickle girl. Still totes true.

The reboot of this blog shall start with ” Sarcastic, Bitter and Struggling Crystal.” Let’s see how long she sticks around.

Side Note: I’m not really feeling the name Explore. Dream. Discover. anymore. Nope, nope, nope. That sounds entirely too hopeful. Who was that person that gave this blog such a ludicrous name??!! Ugh. Many changes are coming cause this baby needs a complete design overhaul and with it a new name. But what will it be…. I’ll get back to you.

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Confession: I’m Not Cut Out for Motherhood

Now it’s time to jump back to my more serious confession that I mentioned previously. I actually wrote this days ago when negativity from lack of sleep was driving me, so I decided to hold off on publishing it until I could have a better perspective. And today I do. But my post isn’t any less true, so here it is.

Confession: I’m not cut out for motherhood.

Being a parent is SO hard. Or maybe I just make it hard. These days I find it almost laughable that being a mother is the one and only thing I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do, and that there was a time where I thought I would be amazing at it.

My ideals rarely line up with my reality though. I feel like I am in a constant war with myself between being the mother that I want to be and the mother that I actually am. I had terribly unrealistic expectations of what being a mother would be like, but I also didn’t at all realize how being a mother would change me, and it hasn’t all been in positive ways. I try to look for the balance, but sometimes it just feels like the negatives are outweighing here.

I love my children. I really do. More than I will love anything or anyone else. But I don’t always like them, and that is a fact with which I find it really hard to cope.

I wish that I were a patient and loving parent. Instead I feel more like a crazy, screaming banshee. Patient and loving are the furthest things from what I feel half the time.

I’m tired of the battles.

I’m tired of seeing myself reflected back to me in my children. It only highlights my inadequacy at the job I am doing.

I do remember a point where I did think I was a great mother, but it was a long time ago, and before I had two children. Having two children broke me, and I’ve been struggling in varying degrees ever since. It is why I am adamant about the fact that do not want, and will not have any more children. I don’t want to see what a third child would do to me as a person.

I hear that as they get older it will get easier. I can only hope, but that only makes me wish away these younger years… Fast forward to a time where we can enjoy each other more. And that is just so damn sad.

[box] I love and hate writing posts like this. Love them because it relieves some of the pressure I feel inside me, and hate them because they always peel away at the carefully constructed mask I like to try and wear.[/box]

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Confession: I’ve turned into a fangirl

I had a much more serious confession that I wanted to blog about earlier today, but now I’ve changed my mind. No worries. I’ll come back to the more serious one. Cause that shit surely isn’t going away. I’m just currently more in the mood for this one.

So… My confession is that I’ve become a bit of a fangirl. Okay. Maybe not totally fangirl. I won’t be tackling anyone or asking them to sign my boobage or anything, but this has got to be the closest I’ve come to abnormal fangirly type behavior EVER, cause I’m really just not the type.

Let me back track. This is how it started….

About a month ago I was messing around on Facebook, avoiding doing the things I actually NEEDED to be doing. The normal. I’m scrolling through my wall and I notice a video someone shared called, Evolution of Beyonce by the a capella  group Pentatonix. I don’t overly love Beyonce, but this wasn’t the first video I had seen by them. I had caught their Evolution of Music video before when someone shared it and it was really good. Evolution of Beyonce is exactly what started this whole mess. I loved it. I was just crazy impressed with their talent and what each one of them brought to the table. Then, I ended up spending an hour watching a bunch of their videos on their YouTube channel, and I’ve just been in a downward spiral ever since. 😛

I’ve been spending less of my free time reading smut, and instead I have been obsessively watching tons of videos on YouTube featuring Pentatonix. All their performances from when they were on the show Sing Off. Live performances from their tour.  And most recently I started watching the SuperFruit vlog that Mitch Grassi & Scott Hoying keep, which I find hilarious and cute. I may have developed a little crush on Mitch Grassi…

I’ve only mentioned it to Michael about 20 times in the past few days that all I want for Christmas is tickets to go see them when they come to Athens in March. You know… that way he won’t forget. And keep in mind, I don’t do concerts. I haven’t been to one in a little over 10 years, but I HAVE to be at this one.

So now it is out. If I start going crazy sharing videos you will just have to forgive me. I can’t seem to contain my love for them. :

WATCH IT! 😉