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Confession: I’m Not Cut Out for Motherhood

Now it’s time to jump back to my more serious confession that I mentioned previously. I actually wrote this days ago when negativity from lack of sleep was driving me, so I decided to hold off on publishing it until I could have a better perspective. And today I do. But my post isn’t any less true, so here it is.

Confession: I’m not cut out for motherhood.

Being a parent is SO hard. Or maybe I just make it hard. These days I find it almost laughable that being a mother is the one and only thing I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do, and that there was a time where I thought I would be amazing at it.

My ideals rarely line up with my reality though. I feel like I am in a constant war with myself between being the mother that I want to be and the mother that I actually am. I had terribly unrealistic expectations of what being a mother would be like, but I also didn’t at all realize how being a mother would change me, and it hasn’t all been in positive ways. I try to look for the balance, but sometimes it just feels like the negatives are outweighing here.

I love my children. I really do. More than I will love anything or anyone else. But I don’t always like them, and that is a fact with which I find it really hard to cope.

I wish that I were a patient and loving parent. Instead I feel more like a crazy, screaming banshee. Patient and loving are the furthest things from what I feel half the time.

I’m tired of the battles.

I’m tired of seeing myself reflected back to me in my children. It only highlights my inadequacy at the job I am doing.

I do remember a point where I did think I was a great mother, but it was a long time ago, and before I had two children. Having two children broke me, and I’ve been struggling in varying degrees ever since. It is why I am adamant about the fact that do not want, and will not have any more children. I don’t want to see what a third child would do to me as a person.

I hear that as they get older it will get easier. I can only hope, but that only makes me wish away these younger years… Fast forward to a time where we can enjoy each other more. And that is just so damn sad.

[box] I love and hate writing posts like this. Love them because it relieves some of the pressure I feel inside me, and hate them because they always peel away at the carefully constructed mask I like to try and wear.[/box]

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Bye Bye Milky Boobs

Well, it is official. After almost 7 years of breastfeeding without any downtime, my boobie-ing days are over. We are 3 days into the weaning process, and Addison is handling it very well. It was just time. And even though I have BEEN ready for this, it is definitely a little bittersweet to have this significant era of my life  over, knowing that there will be no more babies in my future.

Haden

Sweet toddler Haden. He was definitely my boobie babe. He nursed quite frequently up until the very end when I weaned him a few months shy of being 4.

Tandem Nursing

My one and only tandem nursing photo. Forgive how rough I look. ūüėČ I had just given birth about 12 hours earlier. This was our first tandem nursing session. I only lasted about 3 months before I¬†decided¬†to wean Haden.

 

Addison

A recent picture of Miss Cheeky Baby nursing. <3

 

I guess it is time to move on to a new phase in my mama life. Bye bye milky boobies!

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A Little Push

It has been far too long¬†since¬†my last post. Honestly, I don’t¬†know¬†what my deal is, because I can’t really say I’ve been too busy to find the time to write. Maybe it has become like¬†exercising. Since I’ve lost my momentum it has¬†become¬†hard to get back into it? Who knows. Maybe giving¬†myself a little push, I can find my way back…

Since I am here and writing I feel like I should give you an update on life, so this feels like a good¬†place¬†to insert that I am¬†quitting¬†school. Yeah, I bet everyone is totally shocked. Cause I seemed so committed and all. I really can’t think of any good reason to be doing it, and my lack of overall goal makes my motivation almost nothing.¬†Since¬†I can’t seem to justify the increased stress levels, and the whole eating¬†away of my time thing, I figured I needed to live by one of my new-ish life rules – to only be doing shit that I want to do. So school is out for now. Maybe when my kids are older, I might figure¬†out what I want to do when I grow up and all that jazz, and I can revisit that option.

So, I’m officially unschooling myself again. ūüôā

In other news I have been participating in a book club with some friends from our homeschool co-op, reading the book Daring Greatly. Brene Brown’s work is amazing, and even if you read the synopsis for the book and don’t think it is a book you want to read – do it anyways. Best advice I have ever given you. Her chapter on shame was¬†excruciating¬†to read, eye-opening and more than a little heart-breaking. It is the kind of thing that breaks you down, but at the end you are¬†thankful¬†for it. Truthfully, it is hard fior me to put into words and make any sense, so just read it.

I posted her Ted talk Listening to Shame below, which gives you a little insight into what her book is about. Watch it.

Anywho, things in the land of homeschooling have been fun and interesting… you know between the crying, whining, and fits (mostly from me). Plus, bribing¬†Addison with TV to give me 20 minutes of peace to actually work with her brother… ūüôā I have a lot of homeschooling topics I’d¬†like¬†to blog about, but I just need to sit down and do them.

Goo

Bed Time

Growing

Exploring

[box] Did I mention Addison turns 3 in two weeks???!!!![/box]

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2013!!! Here’s to getting it right!

I’m¬†running¬†a little behind on¬†getting¬†this post out. As usual, although I intended to be a blog¬†writing¬†machine during my break from school that hasn’t really panned out in reality. Oh, well.

2012 was a really good year for us. SO I really want more of that.

I¬†wrote¬†these goals out over the summer in preparation for the new school year, but¬†since¬†I haven’t really given them much thought since then it seems like a good time to actively start trying to actually focus on them.

My focus going into 2013:

  • Keep letting go. This year my anxiety levels have been pretty minimal. I don’t want to back track. I just have to remember to not get so caught up in the day to day crap, notice how I am feeling about life¬†and do what I need to stay happy. Let go of¬†other people’s expectations for me, but probably more¬†importantly¬†the expectations I place on myself.
  • Fight less. I really want to¬†minimize¬†the amount of time we (my family) spend being snappy with each other or having full out brawls, so I’m¬†trying¬†to pay attention to our triggers for negative behavior.
  • Remember, I don’t have to do everything! Less is sometimes more. And¬†sometimes¬†less is all I have energy for so it will just have to do.

These are more centrally focused on our homeschool:

  • Be more open to on-the-fly learning. I have to be less focused on¬†trying¬†to plan¬†everything¬†out, and¬†being MORE¬†available to the needs of¬†always¬†curious children.
  • Support more independent, student-led projects and¬†learning, which is why I’ve completely cut Fridays out of our regularly scheduled school so that they have a free day where I can stop focusing on the stuff I feel like they need to be learning and can ask, “What would YOU like to learn¬†about¬†today? What do you want to explore?”
  • Foster entire family participation in activities. I would really like to find ways to get¬†Michael¬†more comfortably involved in our homeschool.

Today, we had one of those rather perfect homeschooling moments. While we were¬†cooking¬†dinner, my kids were in the back yard doing this…

Later, I told Haden that what they did on the seesaw was Math, and he just looked at me all confused-like. ūüėõ

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Year 2012: A Round-up on the Blog

Another year has gone by, and while I didn’t blog nearly as much as I hoped, I still managed to write a WHOPPING 93 posts in 2012. Yeah, I was surprised by that number too. I thought it would be fun to look at some of the highlights from the year.

My NUMBER 1 most visited blog from¬†this¬†year was…..!!!!

Stand Strong and Loud: My contribution to Blog for International Women’s Day that was hosted by Gender¬†Across¬†Borders and CARE. This year’s theme¬†was ‚ÄúConnecting Girls, Inspiring Futures.‚ÄĚ

Following behind (in order) were…

Our Next School Year: The Plan: My post on this years curriculum plan, which I¬†should¬†probably just write a complete update post on considering we have completely ditched Time4Learning, and are now using How to Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, ClickNKids, living math ideas, and Pintrest to replace it. Oh, and we ditched our Road Trip USA curriculum too. I have really been reevaluating our approach to school recently, especially since we’ve been on our Winter break. This one was originally posted on a Homeschool Blog Hop.

Rethinking Education: A persuasive essay on homeschooling, outlining benefits and considerations.

Our Homeschool Space: The title is pretty self-explanatory. ūüėõ Another one that I did on the above mentioned Homeschool Blog Hop, which is what contributed to its popularity.

This is me… throwing down:¬†My response post to the whole Chickfila controversy BULLSHIT over the summer. It is probably my favorite post from the past year.

Now, I figured that I would add in a couple of honorable mentions, because even though they might not have made the top five traffic-wise on my blog, they were in MY favorites when I¬†wrote¬†them. And really that is more freakin’ important.

Warning Snark Ahead Рwith a fair amount of cussing: From just last month Р5 things that I learned after the Sandy Hook shooting.

Homeschooling: An Interview with My Kids: It was just so darn cute.

Tit Terrorists?: My thoughts on how we (lactavists) talk about breastfeeding and approach our activism.

 

Get to reading the ones you missed! ūüėČ

 

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Our 2012 Family Slideshow

For those that missed it on Facebook right before Christmas… our 2012 family photo album/slideshow! I love how this years turned out, and it is¬†always¬†nice to look back over your year to remember all the really great¬†things¬†about it. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! Enjoy!

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*THIS* Close

I am *THIS* close to being done with school for this year, and that means I have a lovely 4-week break ahead of me to try my best to enjoy the holiday, and somewhat recuperate before being thrown into my next class.

You know what that means don’t you??!!!

You should be seeing more of me here on the blog in the very near future. Hopefully I’m not lying to you. I do miss it. I really do. And you know you miss all my updates or rants, whichever you get lucky enough to receive. ūüėõ

In other news, I am officially in Christmas-time hell over at my house with the impending stress of the holiday, the lack of preparations I have made, and trying to wrap up this class, while still trying to seem all “awesome mom” through it all anyways.

Photo¬†evidence…

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I’m ALIVE!

That is all.

Ok, maybe I can do a little bit better with my update than that. ūüėõ

I am BUSY. For realz kind of busy, but in a really good way. The kind of busy that results when you are really engaged in what you are doing and actually enjoying yourself… at least when I’m not over thinking it, and considering all those things that need to be notched off of my to-do lists.

I am LOVING my Genetics and Evolution class through Coursera, and I’m happy that it followed right on the heels of my Human Biology class, because the two compliment each other well. Today, started my Sociology class, and I am finding my text ¬†ACTUALLY ¬†enjoyable. SO rare! I feel like I’m spending much of my time half buried in books, when I’m not with my kids.

I’m sure Facebook is tired of hearing me post about school related things, and the general mischief I have been causing lately with sensitive topics…

Other than our normal homeschooling adventures, that is about all I have been up to lately. Here are a few pics for the road!