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Rise & Fall

In, OUUUTTT, In, OOOUUUT, Rise, Fall, Rise, FAALLLL. Ack. I owe money to camp. I need to take care of that as soon as I finish this. Do I have any money in Paypal? Dang it. In, OOUUUTTT, IN…. I hope traffic isn’t bad. OUT. Don’t forget to take the macaroni you made for today. Wait, what did my mediation leader just say? What am I supposed to be doing?!! Focus. Bring it back, Crystal. Innnn, ouuuttt, rise, fall, focus on your body…..

This is my brain on meditation.

I’m working my way through the book Mindfulness: An Eight Week Plan for Finding Mindfulness in a Frantic World. Hello, Week Three! Maybe I’m 3 weeks behind on starting my Week 3 work, but oh well! For months now I’ve been burying myself in great books – working on my personal growth, my fears, and connecting to myself, my emotions and the world a little bit better. What I haven’t been working on up until this point is using meditation as a tool for any of those things. I’m still doing the deep work, y’all, and I’m not entirely sure that I’m not running myself around in circles. It’s one of those 2 steps forward, 5 steps back kind of thangs.

There’s something about mediation that triggers avoidance in me.

Maybe it’s because I’m not sure that my brain is well suited for the activity, but I think it’s more deeply related to the fact that had someone said to me a year ago, ” Yeah, I’ve found mediating twice a day to be really great for my mental health,” I would have wanted to punch them in the face. I would have vividly imagined it. Full on. Fist to the face. Maybe I just don’t want to be that person. Is that where I’m headed? Being the one you want to punch in the face?  Get out of here with all your self-help bullshit, Crystal!

Today, I did the worst body scan mediation, my brain being so unfocused and scattered that I even paused my guided audio so that I could do a voice memo on some thoughts I had for this blog. Dedication. There is still some work to be done before I become ultra-zen Crystal, but I’m gonna keep trudging through my daily meditations, and I’ll check back in once I’ve finished the whole program. You may not even recognize me because I’ll be so fucking zen.

Fear is a Liar
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A #daringgreatly Style Thing

I’m disappointed. There. I said it. Doing epic shit is great and all, even if I do fail, but there will still be some lingering negative feelings to be felt from that. That’s normal though, right? The end-game-goal here is to not allow those feelings to stop me from moving forward, trying again, trying something new, creating goals, and growing myself – even if it’s just micro-bits at a time.

I did a #daringgreatly style thing last month.

I applied for an internship with the Dressember Foundation to work on their Editorial Team. Landing the spot would have meant throwing myself into a committed writing project for 6 months, and contributing in a bigger way to a cause that would have fueled an important space inside me. I’ve participated in Dressember fundraising for the past two years because human trafficking is a issue that I feel seriously called to fight against, and I would have loved the opportunity  to aid in increasing the overall reach that the Dressember campaign gets this year.

But, alas. I didn’t get the internship. Sad face. However, I did spark enough interest that I got a… callback? Probably, definitely not the right term to use. Their Communications Manager asked me to submit another writing sample, a round two of submissions, and for this piece I chose to write about the  pipeline that exists between our foster care system and human trafficking. I’ll share it with y’all eventually, when I feel up to taking another look at it.

It creates a deep sense of yuckiness to have something you’ve worked on be rejected, and that in turn makes you question your value. BUT —-> Could I be a better writer? ABSOLUTELY. And that is okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Crystal. Just keep working at it and try again.

There is power in acknowledging that there is always room for growth.

Resilience was my word of the month for June, and it’s really been working for me, so I think I’ll hang onto it for July.