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DAB at Your Haters

“DAB at your haters!!”

These wise words were shared with me recently by my daughter. My 7 year-old just gets it.

 

So maybe I was channeling her vibe when I “dabbed at my haters” on Facebook earlier this week. Who knows?  What I do know is that it feels hella good to take one’s power back.

I’m fine, y’all. (Relatively speaking.) It wasn’t a cry for help and I wasn’t particularly upset when I wrote that thing that I wrote. Sometimes a girl just really needs to tell people to FUCK OFF and mean it.

I don’t feel bad about the person that I am or what I do. I’m fucking amazing. There. I said it. And I know that my solid sense of self is a big reason why I have something that so many others lack —-> Empathy.

I can’t fix that for people, but I can decide what I want taking up space in my life.

End of story. It wasn’t even a very interesting one.

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That Time I Thought About My Mortality – A Throwback

When I logged back into my WordPress account after my hiatus ended, I found this long-forgotten blog entry that I never published almost 2 years ago. Though, I posted something on Facebook about the incident at the time, this moment in my life would eventually just become buried somewhere in my brain and my Facebook memories to not be thought of very often again.

“At the forefront of my recent thoughts has been the issue of mortality. And not in that vague acknowledgment we all have that, of course, one day we will die, but it isn’t really something I need to worry about facing today. More of the… in your face… there could be something potentially really wrong with you… so maybe you should start fucking processing that.

At the end of August I found a good sized lump in my right breast, which I promptly tried to denial out of existence. After a little over a month I gave up on that strategy, especially since it was pretty ineffective, and went in for a breast exam. This then lead to an ultrasound and mammogram, and today my very last appointment with a breast specialist. And I’m FINE! Everything is fine. Although, I won’t lie and say there isn’t an ultra paranoid part of myself that worries… What if they are fucking wrong???!! But I’ll keep burying that paranoid little beast.

I cried today from relief. I cried last week from relief when the radiologist told me everything looked clear. But the weeks before that I cried from fear. The kind of gut deep fear that leaves you thinking… I’m just not ready. And if I were to die soon… would I be happy with the way I’ve lived my life? With the relationships I’ve formed? With how I treat my children? What would I change?

And I just don’t know. But I think that it’s time to start exploring them.

FYI: Things that aren’t comforting to someone as they wait to have their breast screened for cancer… a HUGE wall memorial to a woman that died at the age of 32 from breast cancer, including a picture of her with her 3 year old daughter. Just. No.”

I didn’t actually spend any time re-evaluating my life. Go figure.

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A Story Where I Fly

I had a dream that I was at an event for my work, which seems trivial enough, only in this dream we are running behind on our set-up. BIG no-no. I’m walking around the event space trying find our hostess. She has answers to my questions. I NEED HER.  But then I realize that all the women in this room look too similar to each other, and I can’t remember what she looks like. I can’t remember her name.

I step outside to find my mom (and business partner). Hopefully she REMEMBERS her name, but I can’t find her. I look around and realize that I’m in a huge serious of buildings that look like stores, maybe a mall, and there are people EVERYWHERE. Where is she??!! I can’t find her. We need to hurry. We are running out of time.

I turn around and I can’t see the way back. My heart rate is spazzing. I start hectically rushing in the direction that I THINK will get me back to my event, pushing through the crowds and then down an empty, dark hallway with a series of heavy doors. I rush out the final doors and listen to it close with a click behind me. I’m outside.

This isn’t where I’m supposed to be!! I need to get back in!! I’m sure the door will be locked and I will have to find a new way to get back inside, but I’m a lucky girl. The door opens up for me, and I back track through the doors and head in a new direction. Too much time has passed. OMG. I have no idea where I am. We don’t have enough time for set up before the event starts. I still don’t know her fucking name.

I run outside into brightness, and when my eyes adjust, I realize I’ve somehow found my way into a stadium – at the very top. My view is fabulous, and I can see the buildings where I need to be. I start rushing down the stadium stairs. I gain momentum – I’m flying. As I get to the bottom I can’t possibly stop, so of course I become air-bound. I’m flying (slow-motion style) through the air towards… a pool. Told you I’m a lucky girl.

As I’m flying through the air I have the forethought to remember that my phone is in my back pocket. I grab it and then fully extend my arm out as high into the air as I can get it before I land. My fucking phone shall not get wet! And it doesn’t! The pool is shallow enough that I manage to keep it above the water.

The crowd goes crazy cheering for me. I mean… of course they were really excited I didn’t destroy my phone. But in my triumph I drop my arm, and my fucking phone goes under.

*End Dream Sequence*

My panicked breathing woke me up. Apparently, that was all my brain could take.

I’m pretty sure this dream explains so much about me.