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These Dog Days are Over

I admit it. I’ve lost it. “The Spark” that I thought I had back, lasted all of a minute, and then it was gone again. I actually spent my afternoon packing up all of my “birthy” things, teachings aids, curriculum, continuing education notebooks, and videos. Now it is all nicely stacked up in my storage closet, awaiting the day when I will decide what to do with it all.

I have been desperately clinging to my old self, the one that lived and breathed birth. I knew what I wanted, and where I was going. I had all these goals, accomplishments, but most importantly I felt like I had a purpose. I know that what you do doesn’t define who you are, and I can say that to myself, and believe it. It is a logical statement. Yet, I can’t help the way that I feel, and how I feel is… Completely lost.

I see the enthusiasm in some of my friends that are just starting on their path, and I see myself in them. I miss that feeling, the excitement of it, and I envy them for it. Everything that I have been struggling with has left me feeling disconnected from my old life, and I am not quite sure how to bridge the gap, or even if I should. When I decided to write my essay “Numbed Bliss or Agonizing Pain?” I hoped that it might jazz me up, make me feel something, but it really only solidified my overall feelings as of late.

I don’t know where I am going, or what it is that I want to do. My sense of control is feeling seriously screwed with, and anyone who knows me, knows that this is a big problem for me. I have been floundering in my attempts to try and pull myself out of this. What I really need is to reach a place of acceptance with myself. To accept that I am still a growing person, and let myself be okay with that fact. I need to not be afraid of all the unknowns in front of me, and to allow myself to be patient, because there is no need to hurry ahead.

It is time to move forward, whatever that means. I *think* that for me it means, trying to enjoy all the stuff in the middle, instead of trying to skip to the end.

So, I guess the point of this blog is that I still don’t know what I want to fucking be when I grow up.

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5 Comments

  1. i totally get this. About 10 years ago I said the same thing to my stepmom. What a relief when she told me that she didn’t know what she wanted to be when she grew up until she was 40…

    I floundered alot too… taking birthy trainings here and there and then changing my mind about becoming a CE, doula, rocket scientist, etc… caused a lot of resentment for the Mr. who helped foot the bill. Then… things started coming together. All the things I’d learned in the past started fitting together like puzzle pieces… and the puzzle still isn’t done being put together at 42 for me- I’m ok with that though.

    Hang in there mama. Growth and change can be painful, but it’s worth it on the other side of it:).

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  2. I wish I was better at keeping up with blogs. I enjoy reading your so much, when I run into it through + of FB. I absolutely get where you’re coming from. Maybe taking a break is what you need. I feel more connected to birth, even though I’m doing other things, than I did a year ago. I think I’ll get back there eventually 🙂 I hope you find your way, too!

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  3. I’ve had the same thoughts, that maybe I will come back around to it eventually. I kinda hope that is true. Right now it just FEELS so unlikely, but who knows what it will feel like a year from now.

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