This morning I read this awesome blog called The Disease called “Perfection”. I cried like a baby while I read it. It was bluntly truthful and really resonated with me on something that has been bothering me a lot lately. The sense of guilt that I constantly feel at not being “good enough”. Looking at everyone around me and thinking that they seem to have it so much more together. Better mothering skills. Better behaved children. Happier marriages. The list could go on.
It is long but really worth the read. I just wanted to highlight a few things he said in the blog here so the context of this blog makes a bit more sense for those that haven’t read it. You should REALLY read the whole thing.
“What is the disease called ”Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured….”
“Here’s your wake-up call: You aren’t the only one who feels worthless sometimes. You aren’t the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today. You aren’t the only one who isn’t making enough money to support your lifestyle. You aren’t the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people. You aren’t the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.”
“Perfection” is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected. The good news is, there is a cure. Be real. Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people’s lives.”
Then he asks, Will you help me spread “Real”?
So here I am. Spreading the real.
I joke a lot about my OCD type tendencies. Most people don’t know that I have had anxiety/OCD issues that started right after Haden was born and they have progressively gotten worse over time. I obsess over 2 things. I can’t stand to see messes, everything has its place. And I don’t like to see any kind of dirt, food crumbs or dog hair on my floors. This sounds like such a simple thing typing it out. The part that makes it sucky? I literally feel anxiety and stress when I see the kids pulling out toys and I rush to clean them up as soon as they are done with them. I don’t feel better until everything is back in its place. I do the same with cleaning the floors. I sweep and vacuum throughout the day. If the dog loses a clump of dog hair, I HAVE to pick it up. There have been days where the stress of looking at my house has made me cry in frustration. And when I say cry. I mean a full on sobbing mess. I have taken it out on my husband and on my kids in raging fits because I feel like they are fighting against me instead of helping me because don’t they understand that I need help??!!
I am a control freak. I think this is linked back to the other stuff above as well. But I want everything to be done my way and on my schedule and when it doesn’t happen that way, I get angry. When I do get angry, I am not a nice person. I generally say or do things that I regret. The way that I express extreme emotion is not good and now my children are learning that from me. I feel on many days that I am damaging them.
My marriage is not perfect. And not just from my craziness. Michael has his own issues. In the 8 years we have been together we have had our up times and we have had some REALLY shitty ones too. We don’t do that responsible “save your arguments for when the kids aren’t around” thing. Our fights tend to be loud and uncensored at times. I guess that is the “white trash” in me coming out.
If I take off my clothes, my body is not overtly attractive. My butt and the inside of my thighs are covered in cellulite and stretch marks. My ass is quite jiggly. Nothing is firm anymore. My boobs are droopy and weird looking to me, especially now that I am not making as much milk. I don’t like the way they feel when I touch them.
So there is some REAL. I hope anyone else who decides to read this will spread “The Disease of Real” around. 🙂