Fear and Writing
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One Bad Page

Inside My Brain…

I AM my own worst enemy when it comes to writing, staring at this screen as if I have nothing of value to say – my brain completely frozen. I’m 100% convinced I’ve never had an intelligent thought in my life. I’ll just type whatever I’m thinking for a while. At some point, it will turn into something on the actual topic I’m supposed to be writing about…

Writing wasn’t always this hard, and I wasn’t always this hard on myself. Weren’t my 30s supposed to be a time of self-ownership, and not giving any fucks what other people think about me??? Instead, all I do these days is worry about what people think about me. I think poorly about myself, and then it feels as if the rest of the world perceives me through the same lens I’m viewing myself. Honestly, it’s a sucky ass way to live.

I may not be cut out for writing a blog this long, especially one this long, and on homeschooling to boot. Homeschooling isn’t a topic I write about much these days – that could be part of the problem. I’m trying to fit myself into a space that I don’t belong (as usual!), and then I feel frustrated when it doesn’t go smoothly or feel right for me.

Here’s the thing. Maybe I don’t want to write about homeschooling ALL the time, but I sure as shit have what it takes to write a 1200 word article on a topic related to it, and I’m FUCKING getting this done. End of story.

Guess what? I did get it done.

Using Stories to Inspire Service ProjectsBOOM —> Using Stories to Inspire Service Projects was published by Secular, Eclectic, Academic Homeschoolers the week after Thanksgiving, and it turned out to be a resourceful, little piece that I mostly enjoyed writing. That one bad page of negative self-talk turned into something of sustenance. I tell the kids I coach in writing this same thing all the time – you just have to start writing and see what it turns into. Why is it so hard to take my own advice?

If you ever daydream about doing service projects as a family and want ideas on how you can use literature to create more meaning in those that you endeavor to do, then you might just want to check it out.

An excerpt:

“Nurturing empathy in children can be a lofty goal that requires more intention than we sometimes realize is necessary.

Life is beautiful and full of joy, but at the same time, the world can be a dark and heavy space, and the instinct for self-preservation and the development of fears can be more pervasive than we realize. There is a great importance in guiding children in their ability to look at the world from the perspective of others, to understand that the way we treat people and the choices we make, what our government does, how businesses behave, how we treat the earth and so much more ALL HAVE AN IMPACT.Homeless Care Packages

Sociologists refer to this as the development of sociological imagination, which is the awareness of the relationship that exists between personal actions and our greater society.

What better way to bridge the gap between the realities of our children’s lives to the experiences of others than through storytelling?”

 

Fear is a Liar
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A #daringgreatly Style Thing

I’m disappointed. There. I said it. Doing epic shit is great and all, even if I do fail, but there will still be some lingering negative feelings to be felt from that. That’s normal though, right? The end-game-goal here is to not allow those feelings to stop me from moving forward, trying again, trying something new, creating goals, and growing myself – even if it’s just micro-bits at a time.

I did a #daringgreatly style thing last month.

I applied for an internship with the Dressember Foundation to work on their Editorial Team. Landing the spot would have meant throwing myself into a committed writing project for 6 months, and contributing in a bigger way to a cause that would have fueled an important space inside me. I’ve participated in Dressember fundraising for the past two years because human trafficking is a issue that I feel seriously called to fight against, and I would have loved the opportunity  to aid in increasing the overall reach that the Dressember campaign gets this year.

But, alas. I didn’t get the internship. Sad face. However, I did spark enough interest that I got a… callback? Probably, definitely not the right term to use. Their Communications Manager asked me to submit another writing sample, a round two of submissions, and for this piece I chose to write about the  pipeline that exists between our foster care system and human trafficking. I’ll share it with y’all eventually, when I feel up to taking another look at it.

It creates a deep sense of yuckiness to have something you’ve worked on be rejected, and that in turn makes you question your value. BUT —-> Could I be a better writer? ABSOLUTELY. And that is okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Crystal. Just keep working at it and try again.

There is power in acknowledging that there is always room for growth.

Resilience was my word of the month for June, and it’s really been working for me, so I think I’ll hang onto it for July.

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My Blog – Version 3.0??

I’m BAACCCKKK!!! Probably. I mean… I don’t want to really commit myself because then I’d start to feel pressured about this whole thing and that never leads to any kind of good place for me. So tentatively, I’m going to give this whole blogging thing another try for the third time.

This blog has seen many transitions and versions of Crystal. There was the “Perfect Mom Crystal” from back in my Blogger days before we shifted over to WordPress. She was the ultimate mom and homeschooler. Welp. At pretending anyways. Actually… not much has really changed. There was the “Nervous Breakdown Crystal” when shit was hitting the fan. She’s still here hanging out strong these days. There was “Going Back to School Crystal.” She totally quit. “Politically Aware Crystal.” She’s currently living a hole because the world freaks her the fuck out right now. Then the “I’m feeling flaky, so bye blog Crystal.”

Crystal is a fickle fickle girl. Still totes true.

The reboot of this blog shall start with ” Sarcastic, Bitter and Struggling Crystal.” Let’s see how long she sticks around.

Side Note: I’m not really feeling the name Explore. Dream. Discover. anymore. Nope, nope, nope. That sounds entirely too hopeful. Who was that person that gave this blog such a ludicrous name??!! Ugh. Many changes are coming cause this baby needs a complete design overhaul and with it a new name. But what will it be…. I’ll get back to you.

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Confession: I’m Not Cut Out for Motherhood

Now it’s time to jump back to my more serious confession that I mentioned previously. I actually wrote this days ago when negativity from lack of sleep was driving me, so I decided to hold off on publishing it until I could have a better perspective. And today I do. But my post isn’t any less true, so here it is.

Confession: I’m not cut out for motherhood.

Being a parent is SO hard. Or maybe I just make it hard. These days I find it almost laughable that being a mother is the one and only thing I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do, and that there was a time where I thought I would be amazing at it.

My ideals rarely line up with my reality though. I feel like I am in a constant war with myself between being the mother that I want to be and the mother that I actually am. I had terribly unrealistic expectations of what being a mother would be like, but I also didn’t at all realize how being a mother would change me, and it hasn’t all been in positive ways. I try to look for the balance, but sometimes it just feels like the negatives are outweighing here.

I love my children. I really do. More than I will love anything or anyone else. But I don’t always like them, and that is a fact with which I find it really hard to cope.

I wish that I were a patient and loving parent. Instead I feel more like a crazy, screaming banshee. Patient and loving are the furthest things from what I feel half the time.

I’m tired of the battles.

I’m tired of seeing myself reflected back to me in my children. It only highlights my inadequacy at the job I am doing.

I do remember a point where I did think I was a great mother, but it was a long time ago, and before I had two children. Having two children broke me, and I’ve been struggling in varying degrees ever since. It is why I am adamant about the fact that do not want, and will not have any more children. I don’t want to see what a third child would do to me as a person.

I hear that as they get older it will get easier. I can only hope, but that only makes me wish away these younger years… Fast forward to a time where we can enjoy each other more. And that is just so damn sad.

[box] I love and hate writing posts like this. Love them because it relieves some of the pressure I feel inside me, and hate them because they always peel away at the carefully constructed mask I like to try and wear.[/box]

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Confession: I’ve turned into a fangirl

I had a much more serious confession that I wanted to blog about earlier today, but now I’ve changed my mind. No worries. I’ll come back to the more serious one. Cause that shit surely isn’t going away. I’m just currently more in the mood for this one.

So… My confession is that I’ve become a bit of a fangirl. Okay. Maybe not totally fangirl. I won’t be tackling anyone or asking them to sign my boobage or anything, but this has got to be the closest I’ve come to abnormal fangirly type behavior EVER, cause I’m really just not the type.

Let me back track. This is how it started….

About a month ago I was messing around on Facebook, avoiding doing the things I actually NEEDED to be doing. The normal. I’m scrolling through my wall and I notice a video someone shared called, Evolution of Beyonce by the a capella  group Pentatonix. I don’t overly love Beyonce, but this wasn’t the first video I had seen by them. I had caught their Evolution of Music video before when someone shared it and it was really good. Evolution of Beyonce is exactly what started this whole mess. I loved it. I was just crazy impressed with their talent and what each one of them brought to the table. Then, I ended up spending an hour watching a bunch of their videos on their YouTube channel, and I’ve just been in a downward spiral ever since. 😛

I’ve been spending less of my free time reading smut, and instead I have been obsessively watching tons of videos on YouTube featuring Pentatonix. All their performances from when they were on the show Sing Off. Live performances from their tour.  And most recently I started watching the SuperFruit vlog that Mitch Grassi & Scott Hoying keep, which I find hilarious and cute. I may have developed a little crush on Mitch Grassi…

I’ve only mentioned it to Michael about 20 times in the past few days that all I want for Christmas is tickets to go see them when they come to Athens in March. You know… that way he won’t forget. And keep in mind, I don’t do concerts. I haven’t been to one in a little over 10 years, but I HAVE to be at this one.

So now it is out. If I start going crazy sharing videos you will just have to forgive me. I can’t seem to contain my love for them. :

WATCH IT! 😉