When I wrote that blog last night it felt incredibly freeing. The emotional release was so strong that I cried the entire time. And even though I had felt so sure in my motives going in, I hesitated to actually publish it and put it out there when I was done. After I did, I started shaking. From nerves, I guess? Or fear? I wanted to be brave but in the end it was really hard.
I have spent so much of my time wearing my mask of normal. The more I confronted my imperfections, the more I realized that I have been setting up others with the same insecurities that I feel. I think I have overcompensated for my weaknesses by taking on more and more so that I could prove that I can handle it all. Pretending to be supermom, who can handle anything.
It actually wasn’t until late August that I acknowledged that the OCD/anxiety thing as a problem. I have literally joked it off and pretended it wasn’t a big deal for almost 5 years. I however reached a tipping point in having repeated manic moments in late August that made it hard to ignore. Since then I have been making a lot of changes to my life. I have been trying to take a step back from things and make everything easier on me in an attempt not to let myself get too overwhelmed. Most days it is still hard even while having less responsibilities.
I feel like just acknowledging the problem has gone a long way towards working through it. Talking about it with Michael has really helped me. It is helping our marriage and he tries to step in when he sees that I am back tracking. I am forcing myself to “do” less. Waiting longer than I want to clean things up, whatever it might be. Inside it it still hurts to do it but I feel like every day that I push my limits it get easier.
People have been sending me great advice and words of encouragement and I completely plan to use them to move forward. I just wanted everyone to know that I am thankful and that although I acknowledge my weaknesses that I don’t plan to let them rule my life and that I do also acknowledge my strengths too.
We definitely all have the good and the bad. 🙂