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Rise & Fall

In, OUUUTTT, In, OOOUUUT, Rise, Fall, Rise, FAALLLL. Ack. I owe money to camp. I need to take care of that as soon as I finish this. Do I have any money in Paypal? Dang it. In, OOUUUTTT, IN…. I hope traffic isn’t bad. OUT. Don’t forget to take the macaroni you made for today. Wait, what did my mediation leader just say? What am I supposed to be doing?!! Focus. Bring it back, Crystal. Innnn, ouuuttt, rise, fall, focus on your body…..

This is my brain on meditation.

I’m working my way through the book Mindfulness: An Eight Week Plan for Finding Mindfulness in a Frantic World. Hello, Week Three! Maybe I’m 3 weeks behind on starting my Week 3 work, but oh well! For months now I’ve been burying myself in great books – working on my personal growth, my fears, and connecting to myself, my emotions and the world a little bit better. What I haven’t been working on up until this point is using meditation as a tool for any of those things. I’m still doing the deep work, y’all, and I’m not entirely sure that I’m not running myself around in circles. It’s one of those 2 steps forward, 5 steps back kind of thangs.

There’s something about mediation that triggers avoidance in me.

Maybe it’s because I’m not sure that my brain is well suited for the activity, but I think it’s more deeply related to the fact that had someone said to me a year ago, ” Yeah, I’ve found mediating twice a day to be really great for my mental health,” I would have wanted to punch them in the face. I would have vividly imagined it. Full on. Fist to the face. Maybe I just don’t want to be that person. Is that where I’m headed? Being the one you want to punch in the face?  Get out of here with all your self-help bullshit, Crystal!

Today, I did the worst body scan mediation, my brain being so unfocused and scattered that I even paused my guided audio so that I could do a voice memo on some thoughts I had for this blog. Dedication. There is still some work to be done before I become ultra-zen Crystal, but I’m gonna keep trudging through my daily meditations, and I’ll check back in once I’ve finished the whole program. You may not even recognize me because I’ll be so fucking zen.